Tuesday, January 26, 2010

For the Promise of Angels

My angel darling, Isaac, wrote this for me for my birthday.. First time someone writing a poem for me, I'm just so super touched.. Thanks Isaac I love u!! =)

  • Look for me,
  • In the gentle calm,
  • As your skies seem to fall,
  • For I am in the rain,
  • And you will know,
  • You can weather any storm.
  • Look for me,
  • In the sheer clarity,
  • That comes with your tears,
  • For I lie within those tracks,
  • Bearing a promise,
  • And you will know,
  • You are not afraid to cry.
  • Look for me,
  • Within your perpetual smile,
  • Even when the world,
  • One you thought you knew,
  • Does not smile back,
  • I will,
  • And you will know,
  • You are not afraid to smile for the world.
  • Look for me,
  • In every word you say,
  • And every word you don’t,
  • In times of doubt and fear,
  • Cling to the strength deep within,
  • For there is where I’ll be,
  • And you will know,
  • You are not afraid to say what you need to.
  • Look for me,
  • Across your dark horizon,
  • Past the murky shadows,
  • And the taunting clouds,
  • Look for that one star of hope,
  • For there is where I’ll be,
  • And you will know,
  • You are not afraid to follow its light.
  • Look for me,
  • Within the flames,
  • That burns through your heart’s winters,
  • For there is where I’ll be,
  • And you will know,
  • You’re warmth will break through,
  • The coldness of others.
  • Look for me,
  • Within the reach of your heavens,
  • Across which you will soar,
  • With the wings of faith,
  • I am with you,
  • And you will know,
  • You can rise beyond what you ever thought possible.
  • Look for me,
  • On the rocky ground,
  • Where you will stumble and fall,
  • Look for your pain and hurt,
  • Leave them with your footprints,
  • For there is where I’ll be,
  • Lay them with me,
  • And you will know,
  • That you will fly again.
  • You only have to look,
  • For there is where I’ll be.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Valentine's Day

  • Dear one and all, 14th February is coming up and so tell me tell me, what are your plans? =) For the Chinese, 14th of February signifies 2 important days, because it is not only Valentine's Day, but it is also Chinese New Year! So, is it going to be family day, or a day out with your special someone? As for me, I'm making it both! haha.. Wanna know who's my date? It is none other than the one and only TAYLOR LAUTNER!! (so what if he is younger than me?)
  • Ok maybe he's not exactly my date, but if he is, here's how the day would work out. Since it's CNY, I won't have a choice but to spend some time with family first, and I'm pretty sure Taylor wouldn't mind since he's so nice. =)
  • We'll go for CNY mass in church in the morning, and then we'll head over to my grandmother's house, and we'll have a family lunch, and of course collect angpaus. Taylor will be exposed to our Chinese culture. =)
  • After lunch, Taylor and I will head somewhere for some alone time! =) Since he worked so hard to get his solid body, I'd say that we'll go do something that makes use of all that muscle! lol..
See the amazing bod? =)
  • We'll go for an adventurous date! we'll start off by going rock-climbing, flying fox, abseiling, and things like that. Heck, we'll even redo a New Moon scene by having motorcycles tutorial, him teaching me. =)
  • Towards the evening, we'll head to a beach, where he gets to show off his hot bod, and we can just laze around on the beach, talking and enjoying each other's company. We'll sit and watch the sunset together, and then have a simple picnic dinner together. I'll prepare some simple food and we can eat while we count the stars in the sky, with me cuddling up to him. haha. (hey a girl can dream can't she?)
  • So that's how I'd be spending my Valentine's Day, with my awesome date Taylor Lautner. What about you?
P/s: Nuffnang pls tell me this is good enough because I really wanna watch the show!! =)

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm scared, I really am..

  • I just need to rant, I can't take it anymore. I don't know if anyone will understand me. I'm contemplating going to a counsellor as I type this, because I realise that everything I say is becoming very freaky. I sound like a raving lunatic, an over-the-top psychopath, but I swear that this is how I'm really feeling now. There is no exaggeration.
  • I don't even know where to start, and I already feel like crying cuz I don't know if I'm supposed to feel this way. I realised that over the year, I have become very very protective of my heart. And I know this sounds like nothing, but it has gotten to the extend that I have made a vow, not to fall for ANY guy, until I know for sure that the guy has something for me, because I don't wanna get hurt again.
  • Yes I know it is mean, and I know it is selfish, but I cannot help it. I really can't. I imagine feeling all that hurt all over again, and to feel that hole-in-the-chest feeling as well, and I just can't take it. I don't ever wanna feel that way anymore. Hence, my stupid vow. I never thought I would actually carry out the vow. But now I find myself doing it.
  • I'm not going to disclose any information, but I thought that I had something for someone, and erm, maybe maybe he might have something for me oso. But now, I'm wondering why I have something for him, and I'm pulling away, cuz I somehow keep thinking that he doesn't have anything for me, and I don't wanna fall and get hurt all over again. NOW do you dare tell me that's not stupid? cuz I feel it really is, but I'm the one feeling it. so in a way, I guess that makes me stupid.
  • It's so ridiculous, that I am actually so afraid of getting hurt I'm actually resorting to pulling back from falling for any guy. Am I going to be like that forever? People say in love we gotta take chances, but I've taken so many and they failed, and I am scared, I really am. I don't even know if this is normal, I feel like I need to see a counsellor or something.
  • I haven't felt so emo in so long, but tonight it's really hitting me. I don't know how else to express myself, so I figured this is the best way. My blog. The only medium I have for me to fully express myself. And now everyone is going to think I'm nuts and I deserve to be in a mental institute. Thank you very much, I've realised that a long time ago.

I feel old..

  • Yes I am finally back after a week plus of not updating my blog. So out of character for me, but I guess even the most addicted bloggers get lazy sometimes. =) Still, no excuse for abandoning my blog I suppose. Sorry bloggie. I missed you, I just didn't know what to blog about, and I didn't have internet in Subang anyway. Now that I am back in Kajang, I realise I have so much to blog about, and I can't wait to get started. Warning, blog posts are going to be long and wordy.
  • I'm totally dreading next week. Firstly, my AS results are supposed to be out on the 25th, and I really really don't want to see them at all. I'm pretty sure that if I don't get what I aimed for, I'm gonna start crying, and I do NOT wanna do that in college, in front of my classmates k.
  • Next thing, I'm dreading my birthday. Yeah, ironic I know, but i am honestly not looking forward to it at all. I don't wanna turn 19. I know age is just a number, and as long as I feel young at heart it doesn't matter. But I truly feel old, and I truly don't want my birthday to come. It's probably gonna be an even sadder birthday than last year.
  • To make things even more awesome, I have a freaking Physics test the day after my birthday. A test which I am positive I am going to flunk, because Physics is like my hell now. A2 does not even seem passable. Someone, please give me a big knock on the head, slap me and then teach me Physics. haha..

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Last day of holidays, happy or sad?

  • Yeah this is officially the last day of my holidays.. After being on break for more than a month, I have to go back to college and erm, go through all those times again.. Getting up early in the morning, dragging my ass to class, learning what seems like complete crap to me, and staying in that sad apartment.. LOL.. Yeah so I'm wallowing in self-pity, wth I like la.. haha..
  • I don't know to be happy or to be sad also actually.. It's kinda like a mixture of emotions.. I'm thrilled that I get to go back college and see those awesome classmates of mine.. God knows how much I miss them and how much I miss yakking and talking and laughing with them.. Also, going back to college means being right next door to Charles, so I can kacau him anytime.. HAHA..
  • But at the same time, college means classes and classes means lecturers.. Can I say that I did not miss them at all? Lol.. Except Miss Chong, and even then, I don't see her often because we don't have Thinking Skills anymore.. It's my favourite class k, now no more.. I emo can? And college this semester also means A2.. I have no idea how on planet earth am I going to pass the exam and get good results, but it has GOT to happen..
  • Besides that, I damn lazy la k.. Hols now, everyday I sleep till almost 12 then only I get up.. I laze around, watch tv and waste time.. Online everyday for almost 12 hours I think.. Can't do that when I'm in college.. And due to A2, I think I'm going have to severely cut down on my dependence of the internet..
  • So from tomorrow onwards, there will be less blogging, less facebook-ing, less chatting and less onlining.. One thing that I can still do is tweet though!! All hail GladlyCast.. HAHA.. Ok anyway I'm bored and I don't know what to talk about and I am clearly crapping, so I shall go now.. Here's to the last day of my holidays. Let's all drink.. lol.. =)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Do I Even Want All This Anymore? Help??

  • Yeah I've been thinking.. Not a lot, but I've still been thinking.. And I'm wondering, whether should I still leave that Nuffnang ad at the sidebar of my blog? Argh, I know when you people read that line you'll probably be like "WAAAATTT" or maybe "WHHHHHYYY".. Lemme explain.. Gee I realise I have to keep explaining myself.. Sighh.. I mean Nuffnang has given me a lot and I feel totally happy and all, but at times I wonder, if it's affecting my style of blogging? As in, I feel like I'm limiting myself and I'm not expressing myself fully, cuz I'm afraid of who reads my blog..
  • Besides that, I still don't think that I'm like any of the Nuffnang bloggers.. My blog is still so, personal.. I barely write on events, and my posts are usually so wordy cuz I crap about God knows what.. When I put up pictures, it's usually all of my own outings with my friends.. Nothing to do with events, or anything like that.. Besides, someone commented on my blogging style and said it is so ........ I don't know what the ......... means, why don't you fill in the blank for me?
  • I don't know if I'm thinking too much.. I mean I could just leave it there and screw it right? But I don't know la.. Do I really want all that blog traffic, all those stuff? I mean that is not why I started my blog in the first place.. I started it to express myself, not to make myself known in a community of bloggers or to earn cash.. Though I must admit that movie premiere screenings and events are fun..
  • I think I really need advice on this.. And I really do mean that from the bottom of my heart.. Help? Please?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A similarity between my life and Gossip Girl..

  • Ha you must be wondering what on planet earth does my life have to do with Gossip Girl, am I right? I mean, I don't have the clothes, the style, the looks, the attitude, and I'm in the wrong country.. lmao.. But just now as I was having my weekly dose of Gossip Girl on 8tv at 10.30pm every Tuesday, I realised something.. And I learnt something.. Or rather it solidified something I learnt from my life lately.. And I learnt it from a character I never thought I would..
Chuck Bass
And if I were to compare me to someone in the show, I'd have to say that in the situation I was so totally Blair..
Blair Waldorf
  • I know you don't understand me.. Let me explain.. In that episode, Some of Blair's "ex-friends" were planning on sabotaging her chances of being Prom Queen.. And Chuck overheard them plotting, and so he went to the ballot box and took out all the votes for Nelly Yuki, and wrote 150 votes for Blair.. But she caught him holding the votes with Nelly Yuki's name on it, and she immediately assumed he was sabotaging her, and she totally blamed him for everything.. But in the end, she was crowned Prom Queen, but she had no clue it was all thanks to Chuck..
  • So that's that.. If I were to relate it to my life, I was like Blair because I was guilty of looking at whatever I could see, and I immediately made assumptions and blamed someone else and got angry.. That someone, in fact was totally being like a Chuck to me, but I didn't know it then..
  • I already know it now, so when I watched it, obviously it hit me a lot harder than it should have, cuz it was completely solidified what I knew, and it just seemed like God was sending a sign, for me not to forget this. Not to forget that everything is never as it seems, and that even though I may not understand it and I may hate it, but someone else out there might be doing something for what's best for me..
  • I won't forget this, I really won't.. Because I doubted people whom I never should have doubted.. And almost ruined everything all over again.. Sometimes I just feel like slapping myself.. But I know that we all make mistakes, and I learn.. And I'm going to remember the mistakes I did.. And also remember that I have awesome friends who I should trust even when their actions seem bizarre.. So once again, I'm sorry I doubted you.. You know who you are..
  • P/s: On a totally random note, twitter is a fun but dangerous tool.. Don't tweet about something if you don't want your followers to know about it.. They might not say anything about knowing it, but trust me, they do know it.. LOL..

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Totally random impossible dream of mine..

  • I was just bathing, and I thought of something really really random.. Not to mention something totally impossible.. But if it could happen, it would be so so so cool.. You know our LnL, we have to do this M.A.D project, it stands for Make A Difference by the way.. And I was just thinking back on all the ideas that were thrown out so far.. And one of them really hit me.. A charity concert to raise funds.. And I'm bathing, and imagining ALL of us LnL 09 people participating in organizing the concert, and obviously in the concert itself.
  • This will sound so totally nuts if you don't share my love for music, dance, the theatre and the stage.. But if you do, you will probably be able to relate to me. Can you imagine going around trying to get people to perform at the concert? Or maybe we ourselves practising to put on a few performances? Songs, dances, a short musical perhaps? Then the lighting, the costumes, the props and sound system, and also the publicity we'll have to do to get people to come.. It's all a lot a lot of work, but I dream of being able to participate in such an event some day..
  • Ahh I know, my dreams are some what impossible.. I'm thinking now if I should go join the Drama Club just so I can get involved in something like that.. Hermm.. But it's not the same also.. I want charity concert, of which I'm part of the organising team.. haha.. I don't wanna sit an be an audience.. Ok I think bumming at home has some how damaged my brains even more than it already is.. I shall stop ranting and dreaming, instead I shall go back to reality now.. tata!!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Love all around.. =)

And so I was chatting with Glynn about an hour back, over some random topic I believe.. That's when I realised something relatively amusing bout the whole convo box.. Glynn and I had display pictures that were of the same style.. The whole hand makes heart shape n face in the heart shape picture.. HAHA.. Nahhh I let you see.. Such coincidence is quite cute ok.. =)
Ok that's it.. I just wanted to post that up.. LOL.. random I know.. But that's me.. =)

Don't Doubt

I got nothing much to say.. Except that now I know that everything is not what it seems.. People have their own reasons and explanations for the things they do.. And we should not judge, neither should we blame or get angry.. Just try to look at things from their point.. If they are really someone you trust, don't doubt them.. I'm writing this because I don't want anybody to do what I did.. Don't be stupid like me.. lol.. Yes I admit I can be stupid.. So yeah, give people the benefit of doubt..

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Is this the new me?

  • No I did not drastically change myself, I did not shave bald, got a tattoo or did anything like that.. This is more of an inner change.. And it's a good change.. I hope it stays this way though.. Cuz I faintly recall thinking that I changed for good, only to change back to my old ways..
  • Ever since I came back from Love and Life, I don't feel emo anymore!! I mean I might be down and tired, but I never get that "oh eff my life why is it like that" feeling anymore.. This feels very awesome you know that! I didn't even open my Emo Playlist on iTunes since I came back from LnL.. Can I say that LnL is awesome?
  • This year is not going to be easy, and I know things are going too get tough.. I am still very much single, boohoo.. hahaha.. This year I have to take the dreaded A2, AND I have to start thinking about my future.. Yet I can think about all this, and still know that things are going to be fine.. I am totally happy with my life, and with where I am in life..
  • I truly have to thank LnL for this.. I learnt at camp, to be positive and to really trust God.. Things seem so much easier and I wish I could make everyone see things from my point of view.. And also to all the people from LnL.. The love I get is overwhelming.. And I think that is one reason why I'm not emo-ing about being single anymore.. And I'm totally fine about things that I would not have been fine with before.. LnL peeps you don't know this, but you all really helped made me more positive, and helped me through a rough patch.. Thank you.. =)
  • So hopefully, my new-found happiness and lack of emo-ness last this time.. I feel so much lighter these days, and I no longer feel like crying myself to sleep at night!! =) Now if 2010 is nice to me and doesn't make things too difficult, I'm sure I can make this into an awesome year..
*all smiles*

Friday, January 1, 2010

The Ups and Downs of 2009

  • Goodbye 2009 and hello 2010!! After much thought last night, I have decided that I want to do a post specially to walk down memory lane and to look back on all that happened in 2009, good and bad.. This post is more for myself than for anyone else, because I feel like I need to be reminded of everything.. So here goes, from beginning of 2009 right up till the end, events that I can remember and that mattered to me.. =)
  • 1. National Service
My awesome "summer camp" of almost 3 months.. I learnt so much there, and I came back a more confident me, with a lot more belief in myself.. Not to mention I made new friends as well.. Ohh yeah and got to play with M16.. hehe..
  • 2. Turning 18
Horrendous birthday I would say.. I spent the entire day stuck in the car going up to Cameron.. And I also spent the entire car journey puking because I was so carsick.. Remind me never to eat those gummy worms thingy when carsick.. I puked them all out and yeah, my puke look like colourful worms.. Gross.. Oh well at least I had a cake still.. LOL.. and oh em gee, I still had my super long super ju-on looking hair den..
  • 3. Starting college
Gosh I was so nervous I couldn't sleep the entire night before starting college.. For the first time in a long time I felt lost, alone not to mention completely insignificant.. I definitely missed high school den.. And my class was inhuman, no one talked for like the first 2 weeks.. haha.. But after that it was all good, college became fun, and I learnt how to move on from high school and accept that I was in another chapter of my life..
  • 4. Hole in my chest feeling
Fist time ever.. Now I have to justify myself, cuz if you've never felt this feeling, it'll sound totally ridiculous to you.. But to those who have felt it, you'll know that this feeling is no joke.. At that very point of when it happened I was in tears and lying on the bed, and suddenly it just felt like there's this huge gaping hole in my chest and it was so hard to breathe.. Horrendous feeling, I never wanna feel it ever again all right.. The mind plays weird games sometimes, such psychological effects are scary..
  • 5. Formation of PE6.5
It was something that I dreaded, because it meant breaking out of the comfort zone again, and getting to know everyone again.. But it turned out to be one of the best things ever, because we bonded and became such a totally kick-ass awesome class that I would not trade for anything in the world.. Love u PE6.5-ians.. haha..
  • 6. Staying with awesome housemates
The housemates who were always there for me.. 195U rocks wei.. All our random Birthday Surprises, Gossip Girl hour every Tues, studying/talking sessions, supper.. I really miss you guys.. And of course you too Phoeb, though you're not in the picture.. =)
  • 7. All the concerts and events
I'd have to thank Flora and Nuffnang for all these.. Haha.. It all started with MTV World Stage and after that it was all the way awesome.. Hennessy, Digi Music Live, all those movie screenings.. Made my life more fun-filled u know.. haha.. Not to mention being able to camwhore with the likes of Boys Like Girls and The All American Rejects.. Ohh and holding Martin Johnson's hand.. =)
  • 8. First time ever clubbing
Very very spontaneous.. So-called Adrian and Oi Leng's after wedding mass celebration at Bamboo.. haha.. So far, still my best clubbing experience ever.. All the awesome people with me, my "family".. Danced for more than 3 hours non-stop.. I've got good stamina when it comes to dancing.. =) So when are we going again people? lol..
  • 9. AS Finals
Not a happy thing but nonetheless it was significant in my 2009.. And seriously, I think I screwed it up big time, but I guess only the results can tell.. I remember crying after my Chem Paper2.. Mind you I usually don't feel stupid after exams, but after taking AS, I feel a whole load stupider.. A2 this year is going to be even more awesome, I'm gonna probably feel totally incompetent..
  • 10. Passing on of grandfather..
This happened on All Saints' Day.. First time in so long I had to deal with losing a loved one to death.. It was scary and it was sad, but ultimately I know he's in a better place and he does not have to suffer anymore..
  • 11. Love and Life 09
Probably the best thing that happened in 2009.. The camp that made me realise so much, and brought me back closer to God.. And also the camp that gave me more than 60 new family members.. Haha.. =)
  • Ok so I'm aware way more things happened in 2009, but these were the ones I remember as I'm doing this post so yeah.. If I remember something important I guess I'll edit it.. Lol.. So thank you 2009, for being such an awesome year despite all the challenges and rubbish.. 2010, you better be nice to me.. haha..