Friday, August 26, 2011

Build the walls

Inspired very much by a text message Phoebe Lim sent me 3 days ago. My best friend is so amusing at times. Here's what she said.


"Yup my wall is back up, this time with an electric fence too. And guard dogs, and a moat with electric eels and piranhas and sharks, and a fire-breathing dragon too!"

How can you not laugh when you have a best friend like mine? Her timing was impeccable by the way. Let's just say I was placed in a somewhat awkward position and she was texting me the whole time and HA! When that message came in, I couldn't help but really laugh.

But ah well back to the topic, yeah we're gonna build our walls. Or at least, I am. Or I have to, at least for now. Sometimes I feel like smacking myself for letting my guard down and for allowing the walls to be broken through. But I guess at the same time, allowing that to happen probably helped me solve this teeny psychological problem that I had (I am not crazy or neurotic and I do not have a mental disorder, I was just in denial and was probably using my defense mechanism a bit too much).

But now is time to guard the heart again and to just trust God with it. So yeah walls have to be built again. But I know I won't be in denial again. I won't lie to myself, and I'll keep reminding myself that I'm human. Can't wait to see who God has planned to break these walls down again LOL. I'm actually finding this amusing. I amaze myself. Oh and I have stopped trying to tirelessly tire myself out! Cuz I don't need to anymore. I can sleep fine at night and nothing haunts me even as I'm thinking bout things so it's really not a problem if it takes me a while to fall asleep at night. :)

Our dispositions and views really matter. And as of this point, every night before I sleep, I know that I'll be okay and I'll be fine. And I truly believe that, I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better. I'm just a bit surprised it isn't really that difficult. Gosh I am so proud of me LOL :D On a much randomer note, my nails are finally painted again after so so so long. :) The only reason I painted them was cuz frisbee is off till 10th Sept. So I know my nails won't be killed by the disc so okay la, can paint. LOL.


My very dark purple nails. Yes they look black I know.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

You're 22, Mark!

Happy 22nd Birthday Mark Lim Eu Jin! :D

Someone's another year older, HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok la, but you're still very very young. Neway have a great one, partaaaaaaay hard but still be good k :D And thank you for being the awesome you and for being there for me all the time. And thank you also for all that bullying (I guilt trip you more, do I get ANOTHER BR? :P) Ain't gonna do no long post, I'm bored of those. You know who you are la, I don't have to write a post for you to tell you :P

P/s: Happy Birthday again, DID I SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALREADY? :D


Mighty fugly picture of you and me, Mark. This was BEFORE you left for UK. And it is actually the LATEST picture I have of you and me. Fail much? Time to take some pictures :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Everybody needs a little inspiration

Summer is really almost gone. Only a month left. Seems just like yesterday that I was still happily proclaiming that there were 2 more months to summer. Well, not anymore there isn't. In a months time, I will proudly be a Year 2 BSc Psych student :D 


Ooohhh the pressure =.= Seriously, before Year 1 ended, I vowed that come Year 2, I'll transform myself into a nerd. I'd revise lessons each day and spend some time in the library studying before going home. (Gosh what was I thinking, vowing that?) So much for being a nerd I haven't even picked up a single psych related book to read throughout the entire summer =.=


Now that summer's coming to an end, all that I can think about is NEW CLOTHES FOR WHEN UNI STARTS! Hell yeah, that's how a girl gets her inspiration :P But seriously someone shoot me, all I can think about uni now is what clothes I need, how to mix and match what I already have, how to be able to GET UP each morning and have an excuse to dress myself up in something other than t-shirt and shorts! (So much for being a nerd, I was supposed to get plaid skirts and mary-jane flats to make my "NERD" image certified LOL)


Hmm what do I have so far? 2 brand new skirts, bought for over a year but still unworn. 2 brand new shorts, 1 pair of new jeans. Several new tops that I have not worn, and some that I've only worn once :) Dresses, dresses. Hmmmm. OOHH NEED TO FIX THAT MAXI DRESS I BOUGHT IN APRIL! And okay there are several other dresses that I've also only worn once :P New shoes.. Hmmmmm. We might have to look into that one. I really want new heels but we all know I'm too darn lazy to wear heels to uni, especially since I'm so tall and since the people around me are.. so not, hahaha. OOOHHH and still awaiting the arrival of my new boyfriend blazer from Chic Chick. Thank you Charissa for helping me look for the blazer :) (Psstt, go check out their shop and if you need to find something, try out their Personal Shopper service. VERY HELPFUL, trust me)


Mehh okay a bit bored now. Don't know what prompted me to update I'm just excited cuz I wanna buy new clothes and revamp my wardrobe for when classes start. A new academic year, a new challenge, new people to meet, bigger things to do, and hopefully a new war to fight :D

P/s: It's Thursday tomorrow, fingers crossed that the meeting goes well and the best solution will be chosen :)
P/p/s: I'm gonna turn 21 next year, time passes by so fast it isn't even funny anymore. Slowly but surely planning my 21st :D

Never say never

The song by The Fray that is, not the Justin Bieber one. I knew it was going to be a song that'll break me down but I didn't think it was going to be this one. I've heard so many songs day in day out but still managed to feel numb but this song just successfully broke my 4 days awesomeness. Damn, I thought I'd do better. But then again, 4 days is 4 days more than I thought I could initially do.


It's haunting listening to the words "Don't let me go" again and again while the chorus was playing. Yeah I teared but only for that 2 minutes. I really don't know what's wrong but I think I'm just proving to myself that I'm strong enough. I'm numb. Yeah pretty much just numb. And yeah definitely numb cuz sometimes it doesn't even hurt. But maybe Ariff is right and I forgot that I'm a human being too. Maybe I should just let it out, before it comes out when I least want it to. Hmmm.


See I can't cry. The tears just stopped again. I'm amazed. Ah screw it la. Sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt. Die or die trying. NOT that I'm saying the beauty here is in the attempt to cry. Hell no, certainly not. I'm talking bout it generally la. Sometimes even when you fail and even when things don't work out, at least you know you tried. :)


................


On a randomer note, that's me in my Under-15 volleyball jersey. Haven't worn it since.... can't remember when. Grabbed it outta the cupboard tonight and decided to wear it as my jammies and it is SUPER comfy! Jerseys as jammies ftw! :D

P/s: See this isn't so bad? I'm starting to blog with a bit more sarcasm again,  a bit more humour too. :) Say you're proud of me, cuz I'm proud of myself.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

We learn how to get by.

The little things that make you smile matter. For me, it's mostly the little things that people do or say that make me smile. And they matter, they really do. My friends making lame jokes, my friends hugging me telling me they missed me, younger godbrothers and godsisters telling me bout their crush, teasing my brother, having amusing conversations with my mom about my future. These little things may seem meaningless, but they all helped, a lot.


Some days are better than others. When I have people around me and I'm busy, things are the easiest. I find comfort in being distracted and I find strength in dealing with other conflicts and problems other than my own. I surprise myself sometimes. Not a single tear since Friday night, you would have thought I'd cry a waterfall by now. But no, I told you I'm stronger than I know :)


I guess it's hardest when I allow myself to think of all the things you've ever said to me. When I do think, I don't understand how those things that were said meant nothing cuz I really did read them all as meaning something. But yeah, there really is no point in doing that cuz I can't determine how you feel when you say things and it really isn't up to me to decide either.


It's hardest when the lights go out. That point between deciding to sleep and actually falling asleep is when I'm afraid the most. That's why I've been tirelessly tiring myself out every single day so that when it's time to sleep, I fall asleep immediately. That didn't go so well last night, thank to my stupid 3 hours nap in the afternoon. So yeah, no more naps. Not until I figure out how to sleep asap.


I'm trying, the very best that I can, to make things okay. And I want things to be okay, I just don't quite know how to go about it yet. I want things the way they are, I want us to be great friends like before, just minus my feelings, and minus all the uncertainty. At least now I know for sure. Either way, I'm still proud of myself. Sometimes when you hear the thunder, instead of getting an umbrella you should really just let yourself brace the rain. :)


(image taken from Flickr)

Friday, August 19, 2011

The door to my heart

When I tweeted this afternoon and said that all I wanted was just for someone to understand how I feel, I genuinely felt like no one would understand me, not the way I want them to at least. But I guess I forgot one very important person who not only understands me, but knows me like no one else does. So tonight, I tell myself I don't need anyone else cuz God alone will suffice.


.............
Dear God,
You know me better than anyone else in this entire world. My prayer to you tonight, is that you guard my heart and protect it from being hurt. I know I said I leave it all to you, and I really do. But sometimes it gets hard for me to tell if something is what You want or what I want. If I'm on the right path, Lord, please please show me that I'm doing something right, and help me remain strong and give me the strength to keep fighting no matter how hard it is going to be. Because I know as long as You're with me and this is Your will for me, I will have the strength to hold on no matter what. But Lord if this is not what You have planned for me, then please close the door to my heart. Close my heart to this and take away everything that I feel, cuz without you I don't have the strength to do it at all.

.............
And right after I typed this I think I might have just gotten the clearest sign I need. I just didn't expect it to hurt this much.  I wish I could hate you but I can't, and that's killing me right now. You know what? I'm done. If you would give me something to hold on to I would but there's nothing. It hurts too much. So don't blame me if I walk away. I need to.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Vulnerable

Last night, I was asked, what is it that makes you feel vulnerable. I didn't really give much thought to it and answered with the first things that popped into my head. Trust and love. Except that I figured, I probably am not qualified to use love as my answer so I stuck with trust.


I don't know why, but even after giving trust as my answer, I was still bugged by the question. I pretty much spent the whole day thinking about the question and about my answer. So I came up with a better answer. Yeah trust makes me feel vulnerable of course, imagine trusting someone and them betraying you. But in all honesty, what makes me the most vulnerable is needing people. The vulnerability stems from the fact that I need them so much, but they might not need me at all.


I guess it all boils down to what I wrote last night about what I'm most afraid of. Losing the people I love. And I guess it makes me vulnerable that I need these people so much. To the extend of where I feel like I'm perhaps over dependent on them. And I guess it just scares me that, the same people I need so much, are the very same people who might not need me.


I feel like, people don't need me, you don't need me. And some screwed up part of my mind is saying, "They just haven't realised that they don't need you. Once they do, do you really think they'll stick around just cuz you need them?". Okay I know I shouldn't even be having thoughts like that but needing people just really brings out the worse in me.


And sometimes I see myself frantically trying to claw and hold on to anything that might make me feel better, that might make me feel needed. But most of the time that all goes away and I don't know if people need me and I get scared. I don't want people to realise that they don't need me, that I'm the one who needs them and I don't want them to leave me.


.............
Just don't go and break my heart.

I never told you

One thing I'm afraid of?
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Losing the people I love.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Apparently I am as ridiculous as this.

You would think that I'd have better things to do but apparently not. I spent the whole day thinking of you, I really don't know why. Just one of those days where I thought of you more than usual. Which is really ridiculous. I miss you and I don't know why. I just miss you and that's all there is to it.


Summer is making a fool out of me.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Stab me and make me bleed

Please excuse the masochistic title. It's 2 plus in the morning and I'm not exactly the most pleasant person right now. You know it's frustrating, and I MEAN frustrating as HELL, when you know that you shouldn't let things get to you, and you fight so hard, so hard that you're so exhausted but then they still do? If anything this is probably how an alcoholic or a drug addict feels like.


I've probably told myself to be positive and optimistic more times than I myself can remember. So many times that my subconscious probably does it for me now. But it is SO HARD, it is just so so hard. Some days, I sit and I just think, HOW BAD CAN IT BE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY AND NOT GIVE 2 HOOTS ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE? I just wanna sit and cry all day and really just not care about what anyone else thinks because I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of being optimistic and bubbly and happy all the time. So why do I keep trying so hard?


Now when I started this post it was early 2am, now it's almost 3. And in this one hour, of course I've been thinking as well. What else is there to do at 2 plus in the morning when you're on summer break right? Initially I wasn't even thinking why am I trying. But now I realise, I might have the answer as to why I keep trying. Why despite it being so hard, I allow myself to cry one day, and then I get up and out of that shit hole. 


It's because, I am strong enough. Because I'm stronger than I know I am. Because the strength that I have seen in myself is really only just me scratching the surface I believe. I choose to get up, and I choose to fight everyday, because I believe that whatever doesn't kill me, is going to make me stronger. And DON'T say, what if it does kill me. Here's what I say. Stop saying that it will kill you, and how bout you shut up with that complaining and stand up and STOP IT from killing you? Because you can do it. Enough said.


And yeah by you I really mean myself. Yes I am talking to myself, feels pretty awesome though, do try it sometime. Anyway I guess what I'm really trying to say here is, go ahead and stab me and make me bleed, but I'll be damned if I don't try standing up even when I'm bleeding. So yeah, I'm might cry today but I'll be fine tomorrow. All the time :)

Monday, August 8, 2011

One year, then and now.

A year ago, I was bumming around after A-levels waiting for uni to start. A year ago, my holidays was the worst thing I could have asked for because they were boring and all they did was give me time to think and drown myself in my sorrows. A year ago, I wasn't sure that Nottingham was the right uni to go to, and that Psych was the right course to take. 


A year ago, I was good at doubting myself at every turn, in everything I do. Self-doubt stood in the way of me giving it my all, and it was that same self-doubt that almost pushed me to give up on faci-ing for LNL. If that happened, I would have given up on one of the best, most life-changing experiences I've ever had.


A year ago, I was also particularly good at being pessimistic and emo. I allowed myself to cry to sleep, I went to bed angry and upset. I didn't see a point in looking on the bright side of life, so I chose to take everything negatively. Now even that is putting it positively, because in all honesty, I probably thought there was no bright side, because that's just how pessimistic I was. 


A year ago, I convinced myself that you were the right person for me. It was also a year ago that I knew I was just lying to myself. But I did it so well, I fooled myself most of the time. A year ago I wrote post after post on my blog about how much you hurt me, and about how broken and rejected I felt. A year ago, I thought that you were the only person who really mattered.


Now, I'm bumming around waiting for my 2nd year in uni to start. My holidays are the best ones I've ever had so far, I can truly say I am not bored with summer even until now :) Now, I'm a student of the University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus and I'm proud to be one and I cannot imagine myself studying anywhere else. I know that I picked the right course when I picked Psych and I don't doubt what I'm studying anymore.


Now, I admit that I still doubt myself. But even with that self-doubt, I choose not to let it get to me and let it eat me up inside. Instead, I tell myself that I'm good enough, because that was what God sent someone to tell me last year when I was having all that self-doubts :)


Now, I'm definitely a whole lot more positive, not to mention happy. I believe in going to bed happy every night, smiling as the day comes to an end. I choose to try my very best to be optimistic when looking at whatever life throws at me. Every cloud has a silver lining, and my faith in God is strong enough that I know whatever happens He is there every step of the way, and that just makes everything easier :)


Now, I'm willing to admit that I lied to myself. I lied and made what I had for you seem bigger that what it really was. I think I knew even then, that I never really fell for you all the way. I think it was just comforting to tell myself otherwise so that I could tell myself that I wasn't scared of falling for people anymore, but maybe I still was. And as I typed that out, I think I finally figured out why I've been running away from people who're trying to kill me in my dreams for a good year. Maybe, I was just running from the fact that I was scared of falling from someone, and I kept running cuz I was afraid my lies would catch up to me. But now, it's been months that I haven't dreamt of running away :)


Now, someone whom I never thought would make such a big impact on my life has done exactly that, and is still doing that. A year ago, you were someone like anyone else. Now, if only you know how much you've helped, how much you've done. You're the reason I stopped running, because you're enough to make me stop lying, and I didn't have to keep running from my own lies anymore.


Much has changed over the one year. And I can truly be happy and say most things have changed for the best. Except perhaps for the fact that one of my BFFs is away in Aus, but even then, I'm sure we'll have much to learn from her being away :) So maybe sometimes, change is good :D

...............................

God works in strange ways. He reveals his plans to us, but in his own due time. When we falter and stumble, we question and ask him why. But what we somehow always forget is that he pulls us up, no matter how bad the fall. And when we get up, we understand his plan that little bit more. If I had never fallen and I wasn't who I was last year, I wouldn't be able to learn to change that few things about myself that needed to be changed. All the mistakes from the past, God allowed them to happen for a reason. I believe it more than anything in the world now. And if where I am and what I'm feeling now is another mistake, then God has his reasons, and He'll be there when I need to get up :) So i'm not going to worry about what's going to happen and what will happen, I'll just live each day and enjoy it as it is, and let God lead me.



Me and my cuckoo crazy self a year ago at Mark's 21st Birthday, with the ugly short bob, uh huh =.=


Me tonight, in my room, with my much longer hair :P

And on a final note, in this one year, some things never change.  The people that matter and the people that I love are still always here for me whenever I need them, and that's something I'm going to remind myself to be 
thankful for everyday.

P/s: Tell someone you love them today. Don't wait. :)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Hello August! :)

It's been a month! :) I'm a useless blogger, yes I know. Summer's halfway gone, and that's sad but so far it's been so super awesome! 2 months down the road, and I'm not at all bored of holidays, in fact things just get better. So much has been happening that I have not blogged about, pretty much lost my bloggin mojo. 


ANYWAY, very excited about treasure hunt this Saturday. My team is called Awesome-4-fasm and you wanna know why? Cuz it's the awesome 4, Freddie, Amanda, Shaun and Melissa. 


HA! TELL ME, that isn't awesome. 


LOL. Wish us luck and that we'll win. I want that 1.2k thank you very much. OOHH can't wait it's gonna be so much fun!



Oh just in case you forgot how I looked like. Yes my hair is LONG already. And it's all pinned up cuz I am on operation save-my-face, which means pinned up fringe whenever I'm home so my pimpled blemished forehead can be healed with my new cleanser, toner, blemish gel and moisturizer regime. Let's see how long I can keep this up :D